My Appointment...

....went well i would think...she's abrasive (my plastic surgeon), but she's good...and honestly, when it comes to the bedside manner of someone who is going to scalpel the crap out of my body...i'd rather her finely tuned hand and mind at my bedside than any touchy feely crap that may take away from that...but my breast surgeon, now she's got it all...she's an angel, and an excellent doctor...i just adore her...and i feel that i am in excellent hands with both of them...

...as for what was said...we talked about ways to keep the scarring to a minimum, which it sounds like we're going to be able to do...make a larger incision around the nipple as opposed to a smaller one with an additional one that goes from the base of the nipple to my chest wall...then it sounds like she should be able to minimize that scar even when she recreates my nipples in a few months...then a month after that with the tattooing, it sounds like it might actually not look so terrible...we'll see...literally...as for my stomach, that pretty much sounds like it's going to be a butchered mess...but my appendix scar is a thin light line, so maybe this one will be too? who knows...again...we'll see....

...so overall, my mom felt relieved following the appointment, like she has more hope or something...me not so much....but i don't know what would make me feel relieved...waking up...waking up will make me feel relieved...i am living to wake up...

Your comments...

...in the first day of this blog i have five followers...i have a shrine...i have beautiful comments...amazing emails...you people are amazing....i didn't expect any of this...

...i started this blog so that people could hear my story...so that those out there would know and understand what i'm going through, and so that strangers who are walking my path might find me, might relate, might find some solace in my journey....but what i've found is even more support than i could have imagined...this is amazing for me....this makes it easier for me....

...marc told me that my blog helps him to understand what i'm going through...i thought i was able to explain on the phone, talk about it to death, go over and over it until i make myself sick...until i feel pathetic that i can't stop talking about it...until i feel like a burden and a drain...that's how i feel when i talk about what's happening...talking all the time, i never shut up, it's got to be enough already....marc, jay, christopher, jesse....you listen and listen, enocuraging me to talk...but it must be difficult for you...helpless for you...that's what i hear...that you feel helpless....but please, please know....that what you perceive as helpless, i perceive as strength, as support, and as a constant....you, all of you, all of you who take the time to read this blog...you are not helpless in this journey, you are the bricks of the road that i walk...supporting me...keeping me...for that i thank you....

What Sam did for me....

...i am in amazement and awe at the support i am receiving...

...these are the affirmations that he included:

I am in perfect health and I automatically do what is necessary to maintain perfect health.

I don't get angry with anyone or anything

I live today, not the past, or the future

I speak only to praise, to inform, or to prosper

I enjoy living

I don't judge others

I am independent

I make my privacy a premium

I don't accept needs from others

I don't seek approval

I make my own choices

I know how to laugh

I am perfection

I don't fit any pattern

I like virtually everything

I choose everything from life

I accept most everything

I am free from guilt and worry

I have no obligation to anyone but myself

I don't have sympathy for anyone

I have compassion for everyone

I don’t lay guilt on others

I accept myself

I accept others without complaint

I appreciate the natural world

I have insight into the behavior of others

I am honest and I don't lie

I don't blame anything or anyone

I have high energy

I don't steal energy from others

I am aggressively curious

I am not afraid to try or to fail

My values are not local

I love myself

Tomorrow's Appointment...

...i go to see the plastic surgeon in the morning...she's going to evaluate further the amount of "donor tissue" ...aka belly fat....that i have in relation to the size and shape of my breasts as they are now...we are going to decide based on this information how i will look post-op wise, what she can do for me cosmetically, and where the incisions will be...my breast surgeon said that it's the plastic surgeon who makes the initial decision about the incisions, and then if from a cancer perspective the lines are appropriate, she will be the one who actually makes the cuts...

the one who actually makes the cuts...wow...it's just so real...it's all happening...i can't really wrap my head around all of this...i can't believe what i'm facing...i can't believe that i chose this...i can't believe that in 18 days i will go to sleep and wake up early the next morning, on my way to Lakenau where this will all take place...christopher offered to stay with me the night before...bless him...i think about the night before, the morning of...getting dressed in my surgery gown, being wheeled away from my mother and my family...knowing that my family will have to sit for 12 hours in a cold waiting room while they operate on me...wondering how i am...while i sleep...i'm excited for the dreams i will have...i hope to remember them, but i know that i won't...i hope i am with my mommom in my surgery dreams...she will protect me i think....i hope...

i'm trying to focus on the good...the excitement of destroying my chances of getting breast cancer by 90%....the strength...the support...the love that i feel from those around me...i said to my mom the other day that what i am going to remember most about this time in my life is the amazing amount of love that surrounds me...the incredible people that i've collected in my 30 years and the amazement at the way they have risen to my side...that's what i will remember...not the fear...hopefully not the fear...fuck the fear....

19 days...

....until I have bilateral, prophylactic mastectomies...i am 30.

...my mother had breast cancer, and ovarian cancer, so i was tested for the brca gene...which i have...

...i've elected to have these procedures in hopes of saving my life, in hopes that my children (which i don't yet have) will not have to watch me go through what i watched my mother go through...twice...but i'm scared that even with the procedures that i will still get cancer...i am terrified of cancer...everyday...and i'm hoping that these procedures will ameliorate that fear...but it doesn't feel like it really...it feels like i'll always be scared...i feel like i live in fear of a disease that i don't feel like i can control, stop, or have any power over...i feel like this decision, these surgeries, is/are the only thing i can do to take any kind of stand...to fight for my life...this is the fight of my life...

....my family and friends are amazing...my mother is my rock, my constant...my pop is so supportive...and my brother...as different as the two of us are, we are working together to find a common ground of support...he's such an amazing guy, opening his mind and thinking in alternative ways, just to support me...unbelievable...my cousins are wonderful, trying to support me in any way that they can...it's tough for them though, they can't get it becuase they don't have the fear...the fear is what connects my mother and i...she's the only one who really gets it i think...and i'm trying to reach out to support groups, force and the like...to find others who understand the fear...but that is scary to me too...it makes it more real...it makes it so real...

my friends are incredible...marc and jay have been my strength...listening to me, supporting me, planning to visit...thea emoting in the best way she knows how...and sam...my sammy is making a shrine to me on his fridge so that he'll be able to see me always...even when we're so far apart...that's a huge part of this...my friends are so far from me...so far...a world between us...and it's lonely...i miss them terribly and i wish they would be there when i wake up...i will wake up...i just want to wake up....please g-d let me just wake up...