if one more person...

...tells me not worry about it...tells me it's no big deal...tells me that it's going to be fine...i am going to freak out...why won't anyone listen to me...why are people blowing this off...why does everyone think this is nothing...why can't anyone appreciate this and actually talk to me about it instead of shutting me up by telling me that it's fine, that i've been through worst, and not to worry about it...i feel like at this point that i can't bring it up to anyone else because if i do and they try to shut me up too or tell me not to worry about it i am going to freak out on them...and that won't be fair...this whole thing isn't fair and i am having angry feelings...

nipples wednesday...

...and i'm starting to get really nervous...i don't know why...i've been through so much that people keep saying that this is nothing...um well yeah, comparatively i guess...but this is something...it's surgery...again...more...more manipulation...more cutting...more sewing...more drugs...more of everything...it's just a lot...i want this all to be over...i know that i can do this though...i know how strong i am...i learned that through this...but it still sucks!!! i don't regret my decision, but it sure is a lot...you just don't know it all going in...no matter how much they tell you, or in my case don't (no real mention of the drains and such)...it's just impossible to be prepared...and every new thing feels so big and scary...what aren't they telling me this time...will they burn me again? will i wake up more disfigured than i already am? i mean i know i'll wake up this time, i'm not really worried about that this time...but what's it going to be like? they say back to work the next day...will it feel funny? will i be able to do everything i need to do? who knows...i guess i shouldn't get too worked up, i mean like everyone keeps saying, it's nothing compared to what i've been through...it just feels scary and tough and like something that i don't really want to do...even though i do want the nipples...i just don't want to have to go through this to get them...can't they just appear? yes, spontaneously appearing nipples...now that is something that i think i could handle...

wednesday's apt...

...so yesterday i went to see my breast surgeon for the first time since my surgeries...and something striking happened....when my mom asked me if i wanted her to go with me, i thought about it for a sec, and responded, "nah, it's not like she's going to find anything..." HOLY SHIT IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S GOING TO FIND ANYTHING...i couldn't believe it...i mean i was still a bit nervous, but wow, such a new perspective....

...so i went, alone, and she said everything was great, that in a few months they'll help with the scars a bit more (i have two gnarly scars on my left breast where they burnt me during surgery (if you're on brca umbrella and have seen my pics you know what i'm talking about) and i'm very self conscious of them)...but she said in a few months she'll take care of them...so i'm really happy about that :) overall, great check-up....but the aftermath was a bit tough...every time i face the word mastectomy i cringe a little...still totally freaks me out...and every time that i have to stop and appreciate the awesomeness of what i went thru, well it's always tough...but good...but good...thanks so much for your continued support :)