i have areolas...

...haven't looked at this in quite some time, not sure if it's easier to put it behind me that way or what...but just want you to know that i have areolas and i'm sooooo happy with how everything looks :) oh yeah, and check this out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEdVfyt-mLw

if one more person...

...tells me not worry about it...tells me it's no big deal...tells me that it's going to be fine...i am going to freak out...why won't anyone listen to me...why are people blowing this off...why does everyone think this is nothing...why can't anyone appreciate this and actually talk to me about it instead of shutting me up by telling me that it's fine, that i've been through worst, and not to worry about it...i feel like at this point that i can't bring it up to anyone else because if i do and they try to shut me up too or tell me not to worry about it i am going to freak out on them...and that won't be fair...this whole thing isn't fair and i am having angry feelings...

nipples wednesday...

...and i'm starting to get really nervous...i don't know why...i've been through so much that people keep saying that this is nothing...um well yeah, comparatively i guess...but this is something...it's surgery...again...more...more manipulation...more cutting...more sewing...more drugs...more of everything...it's just a lot...i want this all to be over...i know that i can do this though...i know how strong i am...i learned that through this...but it still sucks!!! i don't regret my decision, but it sure is a lot...you just don't know it all going in...no matter how much they tell you, or in my case don't (no real mention of the drains and such)...it's just impossible to be prepared...and every new thing feels so big and scary...what aren't they telling me this time...will they burn me again? will i wake up more disfigured than i already am? i mean i know i'll wake up this time, i'm not really worried about that this time...but what's it going to be like? they say back to work the next day...will it feel funny? will i be able to do everything i need to do? who knows...i guess i shouldn't get too worked up, i mean like everyone keeps saying, it's nothing compared to what i've been through...it just feels scary and tough and like something that i don't really want to do...even though i do want the nipples...i just don't want to have to go through this to get them...can't they just appear? yes, spontaneously appearing nipples...now that is something that i think i could handle...

wednesday's apt...

...so yesterday i went to see my breast surgeon for the first time since my surgeries...and something striking happened....when my mom asked me if i wanted her to go with me, i thought about it for a sec, and responded, "nah, it's not like she's going to find anything..." HOLY SHIT IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S GOING TO FIND ANYTHING...i couldn't believe it...i mean i was still a bit nervous, but wow, such a new perspective....

...so i went, alone, and she said everything was great, that in a few months they'll help with the scars a bit more (i have two gnarly scars on my left breast where they burnt me during surgery (if you're on brca umbrella and have seen my pics you know what i'm talking about) and i'm very self conscious of them)...but she said in a few months she'll take care of them...so i'm really happy about that :) overall, great check-up....but the aftermath was a bit tough...every time i face the word mastectomy i cringe a little...still totally freaks me out...and every time that i have to stop and appreciate the awesomeness of what i went thru, well it's always tough...but good...but good...thanks so much for your continued support :)

new brca group...

...for those of you who follow my blog because you are carriers yourselves, there's a new brca support site you might want to check out... http://brcaumbrella.ning.com

...it's new and growing...check it out :)

...as for me...the ass is growing as opposed to shrinking...but i'm going to keep trying :) the week at work knocked me out...but i'm bouncing back...first weekend in forever that i haven't had out of town guests...just going to relax and store up sleep (though much to my dismay, you can neither "store up" or "get back" sleep, but i am going to fight the scientific powers that be and try anyway!!!)

it's getting easier...

...to stay awake for an entire day...now i find myself facing issues like...ok, no belly anymore, holy shit, i have a giant ass!!!

...i never really realized the size of my ass before, but now with nothing to balance it out...can you say GA'DUNK'A'DUNK?!?!? my pants don't fit...smaller ones are too tight in the thighs and butt, but bigger ones don't fit my waist...

...but then i think, i'm healthy...why does it matter how my pants fit? but then back to the harsh reality of life...my pants should fit well...so putting myself on a diet...we'll see how that goes...i'll keep you posted :) will me the power to lose weight in my thighs and butt only :)

back to work...

...i'm back to work as of two days ago...and boy am i beat! i can't believe how much i lack in stamina...i can do about four hours maybe five and i'm spent!!! it's an adjustment, i'll tell you that much...

...i thought i would miss work...but i didn't...i loved being home, it was great...especially after the drains came out and i was pretty much back to myself...jay told cara that i sound back to my old self again...i was really happy to hear it, if only through the grapevine! i do feel back to my old self...pretty much, getting acclimated to this new body, trying to look, but still not able to stare...

...i had to go bra shopping before i went back...boy was that a challenge...my mom and i must have gone to a zillion stores...it was terrible...mostly because you can see the round scars on my breasts through most bras...but we found this great one that has built in petals to cover up normal lady's nipples...and they are apparently perfect for my scarring issues...so i was pretty happy about that...

...it's a little weird to be back though...no one seems to know how to look at me, where to look, what to say...i found that at my nephew's birthday party also...just a little awkward on the social interaction front...

...anyway, i'm off to nap...ugh...but gotta do it!!!

...ps...i get nipples april 1!!!! yippee :)

my new found freedom...

...has been amazing...i am so much more mobile, so much more comfortable, and just so much happier...i can stand up and just start walking...i don't have to do "the hunch" which basically entailed me standing up into a hunched position, checking to make sure the drain hadn't caught on anything, and then standing a bit straighter as i began to walk...now i just get up and walk...it's wonderful!!!

...i can reach more, i can stretch more, i can relax more...i can just about sleep on my belly comfortably...which i haven't done in six weeks...and it's been tough because i'm a belly sleeper...so just those little things have been so amazing...i truly didn't realize how difficult things had been until the last drain came out...it's out!!!

it's out!!!

i was at 15 this morning and she said, come right over and we'll pull it...i ran upstairs, pulled marc out of bed and threw him in the car!!! we drove over the bats outta hell and right then and there she yanked it out...it was great!!! i'm so happy!!! i didn't really realize how oppressed i was until i became free....this is amazing!!! off to celebrate!!!

15 baby!!!

...so i'm at 15 this morning!!! but silly nurse said i still have to wait till tomorrow to make sure the level doesn't go back up...silly nurse...drains aren't for kids...

stupid nurse...

...stupid stupid nurse...sharon...blah!!!

...so she calls me this morning to check my output...which she does most mornings...and she always makes me feel bad, like it's my fault my numbers are so high...like i'm not doing a good enough job...ugh...so anyway, this morning took the cake...she's like, "well, do you empty your drain twice a day," and i'm like, "um, no, i don't usually need to," and she's like, "well you really should be...so are you stripping your drain?" and i'm like, "um no, not unless there's gook in it..." and she's like, "well you really should be..." ...are you frigging kidding me?!!? how in g-d's good name am i supposed to know to do these things if you don't tell me, you stupid stupid woman...ridiculous...besides some of the rare doctors...PENN SUCKS!!!

just a hair over 30...

...this morning...though i did measure about two hours two early because i get really excited every morning...that glimmer of hope...waiting for the magic number to decide my fate...

...well this morning was good...hopefully the procedure worked and that tomorrow it will hover around 30 again and they will take this damned drain out!!!

...yesterday was a rough day...being at 150 really knocked my spirits...but today will be better...ridiculous that a number dictates my mood these days...but it's enough already...IT'S ENOUGH ALREADY...

update...

...so saturday i was at 20!!! but then sunday...150 (insert whatever the opposite of an exclamation point is)...so basically the dr said that if it doesn't go down from the procedure i had in the hospital that they will have to repeat the procedure in the office...ugh...so i'm thinking by wednesday i will either have this drain out or i will have to have a little tweeking...double ugh...

a bit of a setback...

...so tuesday i was so excited about the possibility of getting #6 out that i didn't really notice quite how crappy i was feeling...until i went to bed that is...i didn't sleep a wink...back to pre-surgical, late-night, west-coast phone calls...couldn't get comfortable, couldn't stop shivering, freezing cold, burning hot...a mess...

...so come 6:45 am, i gave up...downstairs...6:55 empty drain...50ml...call pop..."pop, i was up all night, i feel like someone took a bat to my stomach and whaled on me, i have fever, and i'm at 50...when can i call mom?"..."50, hmmm...well mom's sleeping, wait till 7:30 and give her a buzz, but call the doctor too..."

...fast forward to 7:00...drain total back to 50ml...small to major freak out...text pop...wake mom..."mom...(repeat pop conversation)...and now i'm back at 50..."

--simultaneous phone call from pop (cell phone pop/land line mom) CALL YOUR MOTHER AND CALL THE DR'S OFFICE, HAVE HER PAGED IMMEDIATELY--

..."ok dan, calm down, call the doctor and tell her we're coming in...i'm on my way over..."

...so my mom gets there by a bit before eight and i was back up to 40mls...that's 140 for the morning and i was hoping for 20...ugh!!!

...so we make our way over to Penn to see one of the nurses, as dr. wu was in hawaii at a conference...awesome...the one nurse looks at me and my red stomach and gets another nurse...she looks and recommends that a resident be paged...enter resident..."yes ms chase, the best course of action is going to be for us to admit you for a cat scan and iv antibiotics..." again, awesome....this is NOT how i was planning my morning to go!!!

...so my mom and i mosie over to admissions, where we stayed for the next four hours, me balled up in pain, my mother beside herself trying to speed the process along at every turn (which she totally did)...finally admitted...taken to a room where i climbed into the bed immediately...

...my cat scan was scheduled for 2:45, so i wasn't allowed to eat, but not that big a deal...or so i thought...i didn't get taken down till well after 8pm...so i was pretty hungry...by about 10pm the results trickled in...you don't need surgery, you can eat until 12am because we may want to do more tests tomorrow...ok...wonderful...turkey sandwich never tasted so good...meanwhile there was a plethora of other information inherent to the scan results, but no one shared that with us...have we even seen a doctor yet?

...i spent a good portion of the night vomiting...most of the morning...when i get hungry i throw up...though the doctors wouldn't believe that so they kept me off of food, which was most likely why i was throwing up to begin with!!! ugh!!! but by about 2pm the next day they finally told me i could eat...unbeknownst to me at the time, orders had come down for me to be able to eat earlier that morning, but my nurse said she never got them...just another reason why Penn rocks...

...around this time my IV started to go...so they came and put a new one in...that went ok...but it didn't stay...after the vein gave, they tried multiple times without success to get me a line...eventually they switched me to oral antibiotics (condensed story)...

...so still no doctors...my mom ends up calling wu's office and busting out a rather large can of whoop ass on the nurse...well after that, i saw 8-10 doctors on two different services (plastics and they brought in infectious disease) and dr wu called me from hawaii...things were looking up at probably the shittiest hospital i have ever been to!!! lankenau was like a 5 star resort...i wish i'd known!!!

...so four days and much pain later, they let me out...it was great...pop came and got me and off we went!!!

...this morning i haven't measured the total yet, but i think it's going to be low...when i was in the hospital they did a procedure where they injected some kind of substance into the infected cavity in my belly in order to stop the drainage from being so high...something about the liquid causing scar tissue, so the draining will stop...who knows...very uncomfortable, but if it works and i can finally kick #6, it was worth it!!! wish me luck :)

explosion!!!

awesome...so obviously the first thing i do every morning as i rouse myself from sleep is run my hand over my drain bulb to gauge production...well this morning as opposed to feeling a fullish bulb, my hand ran\ over some kind of wetness...wetness = grossness...well as it turns out, my drain exploded in the night...awesome...

...i was at 20 yesterday, and i could have gotten it out today if 1, i was under 20 (which we'll never know), and 2, if i could get a ride (which i couldn't at the apt time they had for me)....so now if i'm under 20 tomorrow, my sister is going to take me and BYE BYE NUMBER 6!!! here's hoping!!!

though this drain...

...is a total drag, i will not let myself complain...i will not let myself feel badly because it's been four weeks (to the day) and i'm still at 30+...hopefully by monday...but honestly, it's not looking good...i'm wearing the damn spanks and though i do think they help, come on already!!! i return to...i will not complain...

i thought i could...i thought i could...

...but i couldn't...still too full...still tied to #6...DAMN IT!!!

...in other news...she said i look beautiful, that i am healing extremely well, and that she's proud of me :) so those were all good things...i'm really happy about how the appointment went, but disappointed that i'm still schlepping good ole number six...

...hopefully this week!!!

i think i can i think i can...

...get this damn drain out tomorrow!!! i'm just above 20 ml this morning and all i have to be is below 30 to get it out!!! this is so exciting!!! i just have to maintain until tomorrow and whoopee!!! it's going to be wonderful!!!

...in other news, i think i need to go back to therapy...i haven't quite wrapped my head around what i've done...the word mastectomy still freaks me out and i don't associate it with myself or what has happened...that can't be a good thing...some sort of psychological splitting, which i know is not appropriate, nor how i want to continue down this path...i have to integrate what has happened and who i am or was, into who i now am...

...i'm not depressed, which i thought i might be...not depressed at all...proud, strong, happy...but not depressed...the nothing isn't here, it's not coming, it won't get me...but i am in some sort of state of denial i think...well maybe not denial, but something that doesn't allow me to really accept the weight of my decision...well maybe not the weight per se, but the magnitude? the good, the bad, the ugly? i'm not really sure...still wrapping my head around the whole thing...or trying to at least...probably why i need to go back to therapy...lol...

spanks and drains, drains and spanks....

...so my last drain is still producing so much, so my mom went out and bought be spanks...for those of you who do not know what spanks are, they are really tight underwear that goes up really high and i suppose they are to suck women in and give them smooth lines...well they suck...they pull on my drain, they hurt my bellybutton, and they overall blow chunks...however...they are decreasing my drainage output and for that i am thankful...i see the plastic surgeon for a check up on monday and hopefully i will be able to get this last guy out then...that would be amazing and make all of this spank wearing worthwhile!!! keep your fingers crossed :)

...in other news...i only napped once yesterday...which is a great feet for me in that i usually nap multiple times a day...however, i did wake up exhausted this morning...i think something to the effect of "i'm beat" was uttered within 10 minutes of me waking up...so i think i'll take my morning nap early and see how it goes from there...

wiped out...

...still...laying on the couch...tired...ugh...

...i was recovering so quickly in the beginning, making such great strides, that i thought it would just continue that way...apparently i was wrong...i've seemed to hit a healing plateau...the scars are getting better, but the energy...they told me it would be the last to come back and that's why i'd need the full six weeks, but gosh, i didn't think i'd be a zombie! and i know i'm overdoing it...going out to dinners and movies, spending time with family and friends...but i'm having trouble finding that balance between what i feel like i can do and what my body can actually do...it's tough because i'm a go getter...have always been...and now my get up and go is get up and gone...

...it'll be three weeks tomorrow...i'm just so glad this is behind me...like i'd been saying, the lead up was the worst...all of this i can deal with...but that lead up...that was a real bitch! too tough...but what i've learned is that i'm tough...tougher than i thought...and i think i can pretty much handle anything that life throws at me...which i totally didn't feel during the lead up...so it's good...it's very good...tired or not, it's good...