today was a good day...

...i made a beautiful brunch and shared it with beautiful people...

...boomer, one of my closest friends from LA, came with his new girlfriend...now normally i don't like my guy friend's girlfriends (i'm a touch on the protective side)...but she was remarkable...i really dug her and i feel so happy that she's there with him....my brother came also...so did tyler our friend...

...we had monkey bread, drinks, quiche (and yes real men ate it), and potato casserole (that did not come out well)....it was great...and the company...wonderful...

...athena and i spoke at length about what is happening with me right now...boomer listening in a total dude way....she was so attentive...invested....interested...and i just met her...it was awesome...i felt like i was speaking with a true friend and i think that speaks loudly to the beautiful soul that boomer is...able to bring two people together in a special and real way...not many people can do that effectively...i am so blessed and lucky to have him as a love in my life...

....so today was a good day...i spoke about what is going on, but i didn't really think about...no ruminations, no agony, no sadness...today was a good day...

today is a better day...

...yesterday = bad day :( i just couldn't shake it off...so i went to sleep...reminiscent of the nothing days, but sometimes you gotta kick it old school i guess...

...but anyway, today seems to be a better day so far...jay told me to enjoy the dusk because everyday is shiny and new, though he added that days might not be shiny...i think today might even shine...the dusk certainly is...

...i'm very happy this morning because i am making brunch for boomer...he's such a part of my heart that i can't wait for him to get here...to be in my space and just feel more whole...all these holes in me right now...the far away friends, the unknown, and the fear...that damned fear again...always sneaking around, creeping up on me, tearing at me...but hopefully, today, for even a short time, i'll forget the fear and truly live in that moment we are always talking about...

the shoe is slipping...please don't let it drop...

...today was a tougher day...is a tougher day...it's not over yet...but i do suppose that means it could get better...good luck with that...

...i'm not sure what's got me really...i went shopping today for nighties that button up the front...now i'm a pj wearer, not a nighty wearer...so that simple change of mindset was enough to jab at me a bit...something about the preparation for this event...the buying of the necessary items, the planning of the email and phone chains...it's getting so much closer...13 days...less than two weeks...good news being that 14 days from today i'll be on the road to recovery...that's what i'm trying to focus on...but it's tough...tougher than usual today....

sleepovers and the like...

...so i was really struggling with one of my girlfriends...she's a close friend...very...a best friend...and she didn't ask me one time about how i'm doing...and i was really hurt...really struggling...i know she has her own stuff happening right now, but i just needed more from her...

...but she came last night (she went to grad school with me but wasn't in my class)...and we spoke and she really came through for me...it was nice to say what i had to say and to have her hear me...she really made me feel heard...which as you all know by this point is what i really need right now...so it was good...very good...she slept over :)

we started as 14...we graduated as six...

...so last night my girlfriends from grad school rallied around me and all came over for a little impromptu girl time...we drank wine and ate chinese food...and it was good...they were so interested in how i am doing in what's happening with me...they've seen me through a lot...my grandmother passing...my biological father and his mishigas...and the nothing...when the nothing came on strong and i couldn't get out of bed, petra was the one who literally called me in the mornings and told me to put one foot on the floor, cross my room, and turn the light on...granted most mornings i went straight back to bed...but these are the girls who saw me through the nothing...and they are with me again now...they are such a special group and i am so blessed to have them...they are some of the most supportive individuals i have ever come across and as a group they are unstoppable in their love and light...

fridays...

...tuesday and wednesday were good days...yesterday was a difficult day but not a sad day...today is a bit more of a sad day...down a bit...fridays are tougher because friday is the day...one more friday left before the zingger...fridays remind me how close we are...the realness of it all...

...sometimes, and i've never said this to anyone, i fantasize about pulling out...just saying fuck it and taking my chances...i mean how about if i get cancer anyway? all of this for nothing? i mean seriously...what if i get cancer anyway? it will surely kill me...

...so i'm doing this...and i know i've opted for life...to kick my breast cancer chance's ass...but i do sometimes think about what it would be like not to do this...i think that would be worse...every mammogram, every mri, every ultrasound...waiting for the phone calls...that would be worse...

...so it's tough on fridays...the realness of it all...the count down...another week gone by...two to go...next friday pre-op visit...the friday after that...the big show...it's all happening...

thanksgiving thoughts....

...so yesterday was weird...i didn't really know how to write about it yesterday...i wasn't ready or something...needed time to process i think...but i've thought a bit about it...and it was weird...people looking at me with heads tilted to the side, corners of their mouths down...i mean i don't HAVE cancer...i'm just trying to avoid it (insert statement about being scared shitless that i'm still going to get it despite these preventative measures)...i'm not dying...i'm fighting to live...

...everyone wants to do something concrete...bless them...cook me something, buy me something, take me somewhere...bless them....but i'm not hungry (though the loving phrase of eat meat for boob meat comes readily to mind), i don't need anything (maybe front buttoning nighties), and i surely don't want to go anywhere (i'm a bit of a homebody)...the only thing that anyone can do for me is what you're doing for me right now...read my blog...try to understand me, so that when we speak it makes things easier for me...knowing that there are people out there sharing my thoughts, reactions, and feelings means so much to me...and that's what i need...to share my story...to be heard...

...i have a long history of not feeling heard...and that's what i need now...to feel heard...to feel understood...because when you're understood you're not alone...

i slept...

...granted i knocked myself out...but i slept...i don't remember my dreams...it's like i was free of it...nothing came in...nothing stuck...just sleep...no negative thoughts yanking me from peace...just sleep...it was wonderful...

...i woke up and my first thought was...did that just happen? did i really make it through a whole night!? it was great :) great way to start this day...this day where we give thanks...and i have so much to be thankful for...you have all shown me just how much...

...this journey is teaching me so much...and not just about myself, but about what it means to really be a friend or in a family...people i thought would be by my side aren't...those who i thought wouldn't be with me are...it's amazing...times like this really gives insight into those around you...true colors i guess...can't hide from them...

...so interesting how we all deal...how we unite...how we divide...as a scientist this is the amazing part of my journey...as a human this is the eye opening part of my journey...i'm thankful for it all...i'm thankful for you all...those who have risen...those who have fallen away...for all the true colors you've allowed me to see....thank you...

getting ready...

...to close my eyes for the night...i hope that i can sleep...i feel like i haven't really slept in so long...like i said before, whenever i even brush with consciousness during sleep time it floods in...it becomes immense...and i have the most comfortable bed...i thought i'd be able to wiggle it all away into my covers...my down comforter, my quilt, and my beechwood sheets...to snuggle up so tight that nothing can touch me...not even in my mind...but that's not the case...this ridiculousness has my mind encapsulated...confounded...under siege it feels...i can't wait to be free of this...i can't wait to wake up...

ew...

...so i just found my hospital bracelet from my biopsy this summer...ew....

...i just never want that again...i am doing this so that i don't have to have biopsies anymore...so that i don't have to wait for that phone call...the one that tells you if you have cancer or not...i never want to wait for that phone call again...i was lucky...that time...

...i remember when my mom found out she had ovarian cancer...i was there for that...when she had breast cancer i was at bucknell...i mean i went home...but i was at bucknell...a sophomore...black pants, white button down, oversized sweater, pi beta phi....but the ovarian cancer....i remember walking into the kitchen...seeing her on the couch in the living room, in her white mom nighty...i walked in...she stood up...i looked at her and said, you have cancer don't you...she said yes...we hugged and cried...i remember that...

...i don't want my kids to have a memory, or memories, like that...i don't want anyone i know to have memories like that...not about me...not to hurt for me...i don't ever want those close to me to hurt for me...because as i found out in the last few weeks from a very close friend...when you hurt i hurt...it's not fake...it's real...and i don't want that for you...not for any of you...not because of me...

waiting for the other shoe to drop...

...today has been another good day...so far...the nights are when it gets difficult...mostly because i don't sleep really...ruminations...constant ruminations...but isn't that the nature of that particular beast? that they are constant...i mean i think about this shit all the time...it's in my head...it's in me...when i do sleep, even for a few moments, i wake up and i'm thinking about how my breasts will look at the different stages of recovery...i think about moving from the bed, or wherever i am, to the gurney where they will be taking me away to cut me open...where will i be? will i just hop up on that gurney or do i get some kinda special transfer like they do on tv? who knows...but this is what i think about...i think about the surgeons doing their jobs, my family in the waiting room, who's going to call eveyone? who do i call first? who did i forget? wait, shit, i'm in the ICU, i can't call anyone...i can't blog...i can only lay there...healing...knowing that i won't get cancer? shit, what if i go through all of this and i still get cancer...it will for sure kill me becuase by the time it shows itself in the little bit of breast tissue i have left, it will be huge...fuck...what if i get cancer anyway? fuck...

...so why i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop? well, because it's been a good day...yesterday was a good day...today was a good day...i desperately want to live in the moments of this good day...but i fear for the destruction that may come when i least expect it...for the moments that seem insufferable...i want them to all be like this...not like the days before when i was a cold, wet, shell of myself...i want to hold onto this and never let it go, but i fear that it will be torn from me...torn from me without warning...and then where am i...pathetic...pathetic again...

...but for now things are ok...and if you read yesterday, ok is the new great...so here's to it!!!

so this is where...

...i really start beating myself up...i'm having a good day...the whole day so far has really been good...which given that "ok" is the new "great," i think good is really saying something...especially in light of the last few days...

...so here's the part that's really sick...i am totally beating myself up for how much support i've needed over the last few days...telling myself that i should be strong and self-sufficient...independent and, well, strong...i feel embarrassed that i've relied on you all so much...all pathetic and woe is me...ugh!!! one minute i'm falling apart and the second i'm back on my feet i start in on myself with how i shouldn't have stumbled in the first place...i know, sick, right?

the middle...where is the middle? i want to live somewhere between broken and hardened...a place where i can accept support while still standing on my own two feet....sometimes i can find that place, for a moment sometimes i can find it...today is not that day...but i have hope that tomorrow could be...

...in the words that a good friend wrote to me today, "Every day is Shiney & New! Well not always shiney but definitely new, so make the most of that new dawn everytime!" maybe tomorrow i will live in the middle....

The day is going well so far...

...it's not a terrible day...the fear is not gripping...i don't feel anxious and sad...

...i'm tying desperately to hold on the this feeling, to own it the way i've owned all of the negative ones...to live in the moment is so painfully difficult when what i am really living for is to wake up...but to appreciate this moment of relief, this morning that has gone on without the stagnating fear and pain that i've grown accustomed to over the last few months...that is what i am doing, in this moment i feel able to go on...

Let's put on our boxing gloves and fight like kangaroos in a dust bowl...

...is what my good friend Brian said to me in an email last night...

...i wasn't ready to blog it initially...i still felt defeated and weak...but today is a new day...today i will put on my boxing gloves and try to fight...i know there is no try, there is only do...but i also don't make promises that i don't intend to keep...so i will try today...i will try to fight the fear and the insecurity...i will wear my boxing gloves proudly, puff up my chest, and try to feel the sun...let's see how this goes...

You call me strong...

...i am not strong...i am terrified...

...you call me brave...i am not brave...i am realistic...

...you commend my choice...i didn't have a choice...

...i wish i could see myself the way you see me...i wish i felt the characteristics that you attribute to me...i could use a little self-perceived strength, bravery, and credit right about now...the fear is numbing...it grips my stomach, my chest, my throat...sometimes i can't breathe...like my insides are in a vice...i could use that strength you speak of to break free...to destroy the vice, inflate my chest, and turn my face to the sun...but like i said, the fear is numbing and i can't feel the sun...

...i could use the bravery of which you speak...to kick the fear's ass...but as it's name implies, i am afraid of it...to stand up to it...to shake it and tell it to get the fuck out of my life...to leave me alone and let me do this in a more positive and free way...i want to be free of this...

...and the credit you give me...for this choice i've made...i don't deserve credit for that...there is no choice when the other option is cancer...THERE IS NO CHOICE WHEN THE OTHER OPTION IS CANCER...

My Appointment...

....went well i would think...she's abrasive (my plastic surgeon), but she's good...and honestly, when it comes to the bedside manner of someone who is going to scalpel the crap out of my body...i'd rather her finely tuned hand and mind at my bedside than any touchy feely crap that may take away from that...but my breast surgeon, now she's got it all...she's an angel, and an excellent doctor...i just adore her...and i feel that i am in excellent hands with both of them...

...as for what was said...we talked about ways to keep the scarring to a minimum, which it sounds like we're going to be able to do...make a larger incision around the nipple as opposed to a smaller one with an additional one that goes from the base of the nipple to my chest wall...then it sounds like she should be able to minimize that scar even when she recreates my nipples in a few months...then a month after that with the tattooing, it sounds like it might actually not look so terrible...we'll see...literally...as for my stomach, that pretty much sounds like it's going to be a butchered mess...but my appendix scar is a thin light line, so maybe this one will be too? who knows...again...we'll see....

...so overall, my mom felt relieved following the appointment, like she has more hope or something...me not so much....but i don't know what would make me feel relieved...waking up...waking up will make me feel relieved...i am living to wake up...

Your comments...

...in the first day of this blog i have five followers...i have a shrine...i have beautiful comments...amazing emails...you people are amazing....i didn't expect any of this...

...i started this blog so that people could hear my story...so that those out there would know and understand what i'm going through, and so that strangers who are walking my path might find me, might relate, might find some solace in my journey....but what i've found is even more support than i could have imagined...this is amazing for me....this makes it easier for me....

...marc told me that my blog helps him to understand what i'm going through...i thought i was able to explain on the phone, talk about it to death, go over and over it until i make myself sick...until i feel pathetic that i can't stop talking about it...until i feel like a burden and a drain...that's how i feel when i talk about what's happening...talking all the time, i never shut up, it's got to be enough already....marc, jay, christopher, jesse....you listen and listen, enocuraging me to talk...but it must be difficult for you...helpless for you...that's what i hear...that you feel helpless....but please, please know....that what you perceive as helpless, i perceive as strength, as support, and as a constant....you, all of you, all of you who take the time to read this blog...you are not helpless in this journey, you are the bricks of the road that i walk...supporting me...keeping me...for that i thank you....

What Sam did for me....

...i am in amazement and awe at the support i am receiving...

...these are the affirmations that he included:

I am in perfect health and I automatically do what is necessary to maintain perfect health.

I don't get angry with anyone or anything

I live today, not the past, or the future

I speak only to praise, to inform, or to prosper

I enjoy living

I don't judge others

I am independent

I make my privacy a premium

I don't accept needs from others

I don't seek approval

I make my own choices

I know how to laugh

I am perfection

I don't fit any pattern

I like virtually everything

I choose everything from life

I accept most everything

I am free from guilt and worry

I have no obligation to anyone but myself

I don't have sympathy for anyone

I have compassion for everyone

I don’t lay guilt on others

I accept myself

I accept others without complaint

I appreciate the natural world

I have insight into the behavior of others

I am honest and I don't lie

I don't blame anything or anyone

I have high energy

I don't steal energy from others

I am aggressively curious

I am not afraid to try or to fail

My values are not local

I love myself

Tomorrow's Appointment...

...i go to see the plastic surgeon in the morning...she's going to evaluate further the amount of "donor tissue" ...aka belly fat....that i have in relation to the size and shape of my breasts as they are now...we are going to decide based on this information how i will look post-op wise, what she can do for me cosmetically, and where the incisions will be...my breast surgeon said that it's the plastic surgeon who makes the initial decision about the incisions, and then if from a cancer perspective the lines are appropriate, she will be the one who actually makes the cuts...

the one who actually makes the cuts...wow...it's just so real...it's all happening...i can't really wrap my head around all of this...i can't believe what i'm facing...i can't believe that i chose this...i can't believe that in 18 days i will go to sleep and wake up early the next morning, on my way to Lakenau where this will all take place...christopher offered to stay with me the night before...bless him...i think about the night before, the morning of...getting dressed in my surgery gown, being wheeled away from my mother and my family...knowing that my family will have to sit for 12 hours in a cold waiting room while they operate on me...wondering how i am...while i sleep...i'm excited for the dreams i will have...i hope to remember them, but i know that i won't...i hope i am with my mommom in my surgery dreams...she will protect me i think....i hope...

i'm trying to focus on the good...the excitement of destroying my chances of getting breast cancer by 90%....the strength...the support...the love that i feel from those around me...i said to my mom the other day that what i am going to remember most about this time in my life is the amazing amount of love that surrounds me...the incredible people that i've collected in my 30 years and the amazement at the way they have risen to my side...that's what i will remember...not the fear...hopefully not the fear...fuck the fear....

19 days...

....until I have bilateral, prophylactic mastectomies...i am 30.

...my mother had breast cancer, and ovarian cancer, so i was tested for the brca gene...which i have...

...i've elected to have these procedures in hopes of saving my life, in hopes that my children (which i don't yet have) will not have to watch me go through what i watched my mother go through...twice...but i'm scared that even with the procedures that i will still get cancer...i am terrified of cancer...everyday...and i'm hoping that these procedures will ameliorate that fear...but it doesn't feel like it really...it feels like i'll always be scared...i feel like i live in fear of a disease that i don't feel like i can control, stop, or have any power over...i feel like this decision, these surgeries, is/are the only thing i can do to take any kind of stand...to fight for my life...this is the fight of my life...

....my family and friends are amazing...my mother is my rock, my constant...my pop is so supportive...and my brother...as different as the two of us are, we are working together to find a common ground of support...he's such an amazing guy, opening his mind and thinking in alternative ways, just to support me...unbelievable...my cousins are wonderful, trying to support me in any way that they can...it's tough for them though, they can't get it becuase they don't have the fear...the fear is what connects my mother and i...she's the only one who really gets it i think...and i'm trying to reach out to support groups, force and the like...to find others who understand the fear...but that is scary to me too...it makes it more real...it makes it so real...

my friends are incredible...marc and jay have been my strength...listening to me, supporting me, planning to visit...thea emoting in the best way she knows how...and sam...my sammy is making a shrine to me on his fridge so that he'll be able to see me always...even when we're so far apart...that's a huge part of this...my friends are so far from me...so far...a world between us...and it's lonely...i miss them terribly and i wish they would be there when i wake up...i will wake up...i just want to wake up....please g-d let me just wake up...