waiting for the other shoe to drop...

...today has been another good day...so far...the nights are when it gets difficult...mostly because i don't sleep really...ruminations...constant ruminations...but isn't that the nature of that particular beast? that they are constant...i mean i think about this shit all the time...it's in my head...it's in me...when i do sleep, even for a few moments, i wake up and i'm thinking about how my breasts will look at the different stages of recovery...i think about moving from the bed, or wherever i am, to the gurney where they will be taking me away to cut me open...where will i be? will i just hop up on that gurney or do i get some kinda special transfer like they do on tv? who knows...but this is what i think about...i think about the surgeons doing their jobs, my family in the waiting room, who's going to call eveyone? who do i call first? who did i forget? wait, shit, i'm in the ICU, i can't call anyone...i can't blog...i can only lay there...healing...knowing that i won't get cancer? shit, what if i go through all of this and i still get cancer...it will for sure kill me becuase by the time it shows itself in the little bit of breast tissue i have left, it will be huge...fuck...what if i get cancer anyway? fuck...

...so why i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop? well, because it's been a good day...yesterday was a good day...today was a good day...i desperately want to live in the moments of this good day...but i fear for the destruction that may come when i least expect it...for the moments that seem insufferable...i want them to all be like this...not like the days before when i was a cold, wet, shell of myself...i want to hold onto this and never let it go, but i fear that it will be torn from me...torn from me without warning...and then where am i...pathetic...pathetic again...

...but for now things are ok...and if you read yesterday, ok is the new great...so here's to it!!!