....until I have bilateral, prophylactic mastectomies...i am 30.
...my mother had breast cancer, and ovarian cancer, so i was tested for the brca gene...which i have...
...i've elected to have these procedures in hopes of saving my life, in hopes that my children (which i don't yet have) will not have to watch me go through what i watched my mother go through...twice...but i'm scared that even with the procedures that i will still get cancer...i am terrified of cancer...everyday...and i'm hoping that these procedures will ameliorate that fear...but it doesn't feel like it really...it feels like i'll always be scared...i feel like i live in fear of a disease that i don't feel like i can control, stop, or have any power over...i feel like this decision, these surgeries, is/are the only thing i can do to take any kind of stand...to fight for my life...this is the fight of my life...
....my family and friends are amazing...my mother is my rock, my constant...my pop is so supportive...and my brother...as different as the two of us are, we are working together to find a common ground of support...he's such an amazing guy, opening his mind and thinking in alternative ways, just to support me...unbelievable...my cousins are wonderful, trying to support me in any way that they can...it's tough for them though, they can't get it becuase they don't have the fear...the fear is what connects my mother and i...she's the only one who really gets it i think...and i'm trying to reach out to support groups, force and the like...to find others who understand the fear...but that is scary to me too...it makes it more real...it makes it so real...
my friends are incredible...marc and jay have been my strength...listening to me, supporting me, planning to visit...thea emoting in the best way she knows how...and sam...my sammy is making a shrine to me on his fridge so that he'll be able to see me always...even when we're so far apart...that's a huge part of this...my friends are so far from me...so far...a world between us...and it's lonely...i miss them terribly and i wish they would be there when i wake up...i will wake up...i just want to wake up....please g-d let me just wake up...
1 comment:
Please know that I, too, am here Dan. ALWAYS! A quick car ride, a phone call...whatever works for you. I know I get nervous when I think of it...I can't phathom what you must be going through, but know that I'm here! Whether you need to laugh, drink, talk, listen, vent, scream, cry, use regular soap in the middle of Friday's with no water...LOL! I LOVE YOU! And WHEN you wake up from your short slumber of wonderful dreams with mommom, everyone will be there...loving you, smiling, & looking at you in awe of what a strong woman you are. And b/c of how strong & brave you are, we get to share the rest of your long, beautiful life with you...thank you. So without making you or myself cry, I'll just say I love you again. I'm here. :o)
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