...i am not strong...i am terrified...
...you call me brave...i am not brave...i am realistic...
...you commend my choice...i didn't have a choice...
...i wish i could see myself the way you see me...i wish i felt the characteristics that you attribute to me...i could use a little self-perceived strength, bravery, and credit right about now...the fear is numbing...it grips my stomach, my chest, my throat...sometimes i can't breathe...like my insides are in a vice...i could use that strength you speak of to break free...to destroy the vice, inflate my chest, and turn my face to the sun...but like i said, the fear is numbing and i can't feel the sun...
...i could use the bravery of which you speak...to kick the fear's ass...but as it's name implies, i am afraid of it...to stand up to it...to shake it and tell it to get the fuck out of my life...to leave me alone and let me do this in a more positive and free way...i want to be free of this...
...and the credit you give me...for this choice i've made...i don't deserve credit for that...there is no choice when the other option is cancer...THERE IS NO CHOICE WHEN THE OTHER OPTION IS CANCER...
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4 comments:
You are strong. You are brave. And we love you for it.
All you have to remember is that once you are on the other side of your surgery - it can only get better. You will have done the hardest part and you will be able to breathe and realise that the fear has waned. I have the fear too but I decided to get ahead of the almost inevitable, I found out about my BRCA1 and I made choices for my future. Feeling scared means you are alive. Thats a good feeling. Scared is ok you know - it won't last forever. There are better days ahead - just remember that there will be lots of them. Take care, save your energy, focus on the positive. People like us and our blogs (boobnoophbrca1.blogspot.com) will give more awareness and more knowledge to others. Be kind to yourself x
thank you missus jonesy...thank you...your words are kind and helpful...i appreciate them greatly and i thank you for taking the time to read my blog and commment...the support has been amazing...thank you again....
Dani dear, strength is partially overrated. I mean if you have it great but if you don't so what??? So be okay with being needy, being scared, anxious, frightened. I often read things like this: " you would have never know that this xyz person was so sick they never complained." Well, that would not be me either....LOL. I think I would fret and need help and bitch a fair bit all the way. We all cope differently, it is just that I think the "others" i.e. society prefers us being strong, why , maybe because it makes it easier for them than dealing with us scared and needy?
You will be loved either way, messy or strong or both at different times, nothing much you can do about that :-)
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