...yesterday = bad day :( i just couldn't shake it off...so i went to sleep...reminiscent of the nothing days, but sometimes you gotta kick it old school i guess...
...but anyway, today seems to be a better day so far...jay told me to enjoy the dusk because everyday is shiny and new, though he added that days might not be shiny...i think today might even shine...the dusk certainly is...
...i'm very happy this morning because i am making brunch for boomer...he's such a part of my heart that i can't wait for him to get here...to be in my space and just feel more whole...all these holes in me right now...the far away friends, the unknown, and the fear...that damned fear again...always sneaking around, creeping up on me, tearing at me...but hopefully, today, for even a short time, i'll forget the fear and truly live in that moment we are always talking about...
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7 comments:
No more fear Dani. Jump out of the plane with me. Just jump right out. It's easy after the first step.
I've been thinking about you...thinking about what you are thinking, fearing. Thinking about what it would be if it were me fighting this fight, this fear. I can't truely say what I would be, simply b/c I'm not there. I'm scared. Scared for you. I say a little prayer for you every night. A prayer that your days aren't so hard for you to handle, a prayer for the strength that you don't feel you have. And a prayer that you can finally say FUCK YOU to this cancer that will never take you. I LOVE YOU!!!
My sweet baby niece Dani,
When I held you in my arms on the day of your birth about 30 years ago, I saw peering up at me this tiny, precious, pink, bald and perfect angel. I, along with all of our family, fell instantly in love with you and vowed to protect you for the rest of our lives. I could never have imagined that one day you would be threatened by a ferocious monster against whom we are powerless. I often feel angry and guilt-ridden that you have been forced to deal with such senseless odds and that I, enjoying a lifetime of perfect health, have been thus far spared of the genetic "sentence" that you and your mom have been dealt. I hear your fear, sweet Dani, and I wish with all of my being that I could hold you in my arms as I did when you were so tiny and remove you from anything ominous and scary that lies in your path. I know that given the tremendous support which your friends and family shower upon you, we will tame this monster together and remove his power to harm you. As the day of your surgery becomes closer and closer, we are that much nearer to the beginning of your recovery and the demise of the monster. You will wake up, my angel, and you will be greeted by all of the eyes that love you so deeply, including mine. I will be right there, my darling. Please don't worry about your mom.....I will take good care of her and I will not leave her side during your surgery. Before long, we will all celebrate our collective victory. I love you with all of my heart.....Aunt Flo
Danielle...dont know if this is the best day to to finally respond. i have been faithfully reading your blog daily since your invitation to do so, and each day, i say...this is the day i need to comment. Each day i read your struggle and challenge to move forward. i haven't known you very long at all, but i can say that i was so deeply moved and honored to be invited into your deepest thoughts and feelings as you navigate through your journey. I HEAR YOU....you are loud and strong and fearful and beautiful... You are open to receiving and holding on!! You have an awareness that is truly a gift. I am here.
marc, kim, aunt flo, diane...thank you for your kind words...they are amazing...
marc...i will jump out of a plane with you any day and twice on whatever day today is...
kim...i love you too...thank you for your prayers...they mean the world...
aunt flo...thank you for your amazing thoughts...as someone who held me on the day that i was born i can appreciate how this must be for you...i look forward to seeing you when i wake up...
diane...i know we haven't know each other long, but i appreciate your following my blog...and i truly appreciate your hearing me...
I can only imagine how awful you must feel... as if you were carrying a 10 ton weight on your head and a 20 ton weight in your heart.
Although the dreaded day of
Dec. 12th approaches, I look forward to your recovery removing these weights, which will lighten your spirit and your heart.
You are lucky to have such wonderful and supportive friends and family to guide you on your journey. We are all here to help.
As the old saying goes "When the going gets tough, the tough get going". You are strong and tough and will come through with flying colors. I will be at your side to help in whatever way I can.
Love,
Uncle Bob
thank you uncle bob, your support means a lot...i appreciate your taking the time to read my pages...
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