...one of my blog followers, who is in a situation very similar to mine, asked what i am so afraid of this morning...and here it is...i am terrified that i am doing this and that i will still get cancer...i'm scared that i will have just enough breast tissue left to become affected, but not enough to find it early...that tiny bit of affected tissue buried deep beneath my belly fat...growing...metastasizing..until it's so huge they can't help but either to find it or to tell me to buy a bigger bra...and by that point in its evolution, i figure it will for sure kill me...so that's what i'm afraid of...getting cancer anyway...dying anyway...all this just to battle cancer anyway...
...i read a friend of a friend's blog about his battle with cancer...the chemo...the sequelea...i watched my mom go through chemo and its sequelea...i don't want that for me...not that any of us do...but i don't want someone i love to shave my head, i don't want poison pumped through my body, i don't want to die...i guess i'm just afraid to die...be it on the operating table next friday or at the merciless hands of the cancer...
...i know that if i die i will be with the ones i love who have passed...and i will be able to watch over and protect the ones i love who continue on...but i want to be here damn it...i want to get married, i want to have kids, i want to have grandkids...i want to live the life that i envision for myself...i suppose i should pray...but when i try to pray all i can think of is the prayer that mommom and i used to say before she tucked me in at night...
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I shall die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take...
Angels on my pillow...
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I shall die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take...
Angels on my pillow...
...thank you all for being my angels...
5 comments:
"GOD, HELP ME PLEASE!" is a prayer I've used often and amazingly help does arrive in one form or other, often as a blanket feeling of peace that everything is going to be all right. I pray that for you, a sense of peace and knowing everything is and will be all right! Love you!
Hi Dani :)
Jesse told me about all of this today and I was so shocked to hear it, but the first thing I thought was how brave you are. I'm really proud of you for making this decision and I know you will pull through and be just fine. I read through your blog and it's great that you're putting all of this out there for others to read and I think it'll really help you too. You seem to have some great support! I'm thinking about you and I'm definitely sending prayers your way. As soon as you're all better, come up to North Jers and hang out with me and Jesse!
<3
Alison
Thanks for being MY angel.
OR (we use)
As Angels Watch Me Through the Night
Until I Wake In Morning Light
We (your angels) will watch over you 'til you wake sweetie! We love you!
i think i like that better...a little less morbid now that i think of it!!! love you!!! can't wait to see you tuesday :)
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