...that today will be a great day...it's mostly easier to hope in the mornings because my mind hasn't caught up with me yet...i mean my first thoughts are always, ok eight days left...eight days till i lose my breasts and my tummy...the tummy part i'm less attached to...but losing my breasts at 30...that's a thought to wake up to everyday...
...but i'm used to the morning thoughts...they've become part of my day...and they stay with me, but it's when i let them get me that it all comes crashing down...
...i name things...my depression was the nothing...and this, well this i've named the scoop and fill...eight days till the scoop and fill...it makes it a little easier when things have wacky names...i imagine them literally scooping out my breasts, leaving some shell of skin behind, cutting out my tummy and dumping it into the cavities where my youth was taken from...kind of like stuffing a turkey at thanksgiving...only my stuffing is literally another part of my body...the term keep it in the family comes to mind...
...but today, today is filled with hope for calm in the minutes to follow...i am working from home today...too much commotion in the office on thursdays, too much to do before i leave the office (four more work days) to waste the time listening to the chatter...i have eight reports left...three of which i hope to finish today...focus on the writing...on the patients...on their problems not mine...immerse myself in work...low and forward...nothing gets in but work...that is my goal for the day...that is my hope for this day...
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4 comments:
I am having mine scooped out and filled from my back muscles. Unfortunately there are others out there that understand, like me but I ask you one question. What are you so very afraid of? I have read your blog and feel it and wish I could say something to help ease it. I used to feel immense panic that time was running out. You are going to be free of worry. What is there to be afraid of? Scars will remind you everyday that you are alive. Maybe stop living in the moment and think beyond - the after..the freedom to relax. Youre energy and focus will be much better spent in the realms of positivity. You can do it. Imagine that feeling..the relief. Meditate into it - you can feel it, allow yourself to go there. It's okay. Everyone is around you with the safety mat. Be kind to yourself, save your energy x
thank you jonsey...i appreciate your kind words, and they are helpful...to focus on the future...everyone keeps saying live in the moment...but these moments i am struggling to live in are sucking...maybe thinking of the future is the way to go...but when i think of the future i panic...what if i do all of this and i still get cancer...i will have so little breast tissue left that by the time the lump is big enough to emerge it will surly kill me...that's what i am terrified of...but i suppose wasting my energy on the what ifs it the opposite of your much appreciated advice...
You are very welcome. This whole potential cancer thing has brought me close to complete strangers and I am glad to help, to support, to share a happy tip. S, what happens if you still get cancer? The chances of you getting breast cancer after your op are very low - lower than the average woman walking the planet. If you do get get breast cancer? You will have some tissue to chop off and be safe and you will deal with it because you've been there before - you are here now. Breast cancer is very curable these days, don't forget that. Positive thinking is actually very good for your health - negative is not. It is proven that negative thinking can make you ill, stress, all those factors yet we all have to endure them. Be kind to yourself and think about something good that happened in your day, everyday.
Have a look at the happiness project - loads of great tips and always something to boost your mood. (http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2008/02/this-wednesday.html
I try and plan one thing to look forward to everyday. Do you know what the future is? Hope. Hope gets people through everything. Without it and plans for the future there is nothing to live for. I think we all forget to hope and wish sometimes for fear of let down and failure - but it's ok because we just keep going. Life is hard. Go outside and look at how beautiful little things are. Go and get some fresh air and people watch, or go window shopping..go seek some happy moments and fill your day. Before you know it, it will all be over and you will see that you have new challenges ahead and your hurdle will be way in the distance. This journey will always be part of you Danielle. I had a bad day yesterday so I made soup and I felt better. I was glad for butternut squash. How silly! x
being thankful for butternut squash if far from silly...i was in a mashed potato frenzy myself just the other night....comfort foods...eat meat for boob meat is what i always say!!!!
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