am i really 30?

did i really just spend the night swaddled in my parent's bed? did that just happen? did yesterday just happen? did i really make it through to today? will today remain a better day? will i crumble...again? how did i make it through yesterday? my family...that's how...my family got me through yesterday...my brother sitting with me...driving...while i cried...my mom hugging me...my pop encouraging me...my sister making plans to see me in the hospital...which is in five days btw...

...i moved back east to be with my family...and while i mourn my west coast life every single day...this is why i am here...to be with them...so that they can be with me...so that i don't miss anymore years of my niece and nephew growing up...so that i'm there for the birthday parties and the family gatherings...that's why i'm here...but do i mourn the loss of my life in LA...for sure i do...

...speaking of mourning...i overheard my pop talking to my mom through my sobbing yesterday...and he was talking about this as mourning process...and i hadn't thought about it like that...but it is...i am mourning the loss of my breasts...everyday when i take off my shirt to get into the shower i see myself in the mirror...i see my breasts and i know that i have only days left with them...am i really 30? i am sad to lose them...they've been a part of me, obviously, forever...and friday...gone...forever...no more boobie meat for me...tummy meat sure...boobie skin sure...but real live boobies...not for me anymore...and i'm sad...sad to see them go...i'm just so sad...but there are many stages to grief and sadness is just one of them...where's the anger stage? did i miss that? am i angry? i think i might have skipped that because i'm not interested in the oh poor me approach and i think that's what anger may make me feel...i'm not sure...maybe i need the anger to get the fight together...something to contemplate i suppose...