so today...

...was a tough day...the toughest i think...i started the day in tears and that's pretty much how i maintained...part of it that i didn't sleep last night...part of it is that this is all getting closer...part of it is that i am completely out of control...my emotions, my sleep, my thoughts...did i mention my emotions?

...i went with my family today to hoboken to move my brother into his new place...i feel i've lost him in a way...but never had him all at the same time...he's a free spirit my brother...but he loves me...so much...and i love him too and it's sad for me to be far from him...i hadn't thought that that might have been contributory until my mom brought it up...maybe it is...i'm not sure...today was such a blur of sadness and pain that i can't figure out the exact catalysts...i just woke up this way...

...i woke up crying and i cried all day...i was heart sad...brain feared...stomach sick...and life empty...today was not a good day...

...we went to dinner tonight and my mom said that if all of the love and support that i have could carry me through this we'd all be just fine...but today it feels like it can't...and please no slight to any of you who have given of yourselves to me in such a full and real way...but today i can't feel it...i just feel sad and defeated...but defeated about what? i haven't lost yet? i'm not going to lose this battle...but i guess defeated in the shred of dignity that i have tried to maintain through this process...today i had no dignity...my words slurred from the clonapine (two before 11am)...my tears fell relentlessly...and spirit was broken...how many times can i break till i shatter?

...i am writing from my parent's house...i am going to sleep here tonight...i can't be alone right now...it's too much...too much for all of us i think...this is all too much...six more days....