...that seem to knock me down more than they used to...it's like i'm so fragile right now with all of this happening that even the little things in life that i could normally brush off shake me to the core...
...like today...i was in a car accident...a fender bender really...i'm fine...but i just started crying...and i haven't really stopped...it's just got me...i should be able to just deal and i'm really struggling to do that...it's like all of my energy goes to maintaining from minute to minute...and that's literally how i'm doing this right now...not a day at a time, but a minute at a time...if i can just get thru this one, it will take me to the next...and then get thru that one and so on...but there are so many minutes in the day, so many in the week, and so many until the 12th...i often wonder how i'll do it...besides the inevitable passage of time...
...i didn't sleep last night...couldn't get there...i guess coming off of what was such an amazing day made it difficult for me to find peace in the onslought of thoughts that flood me in the night...and that may be also why i am struggling so much right now, as i sit here with tears streaming down my face...tired...scared...defeated by the happenings of the day...i couldn't stay at work...it was too difficult...so here i am...back in pjs...back on the couch...the nothing looming...
...i know i have to fight...i know i do...fight the nothing in these moments...fight for my life in surgery...and fight to recover without being a super drain on all of those around me...it's just tough when new obstacles crop up...i don't feel equiped to deal effectively...i feel even weaker...and that's when the nothing creeps in...and that's when i have to fight the hardest...the same time i feel i have the least in me...right now it feels like i don't have anything in me...not to give to anyone else and not to give to myself...
...i will try to sleep now...sleep away the sadness by trying to dream of yesterday and blessed minutes that i was able to share with friends...
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6 comments:
Danielle- you made it to the next moment- that's so important... while you may feel defeated and (understandably) terrified, you ARE handling it and doing it and moving forward. moment by moment for now, and eventually, hour by hour, day by day, and week by week... YOU ARE in control of it because you are making it through!! You may not feel strong, but guess what, you're proving yourself wrong through your perseverance and courage to face your fears head on! There are many faces of strength and courage in this world, and you, my dear, are one of them (even if it doesn't necessarily feel like it to you, for now..).
thanks jessica...i appreciate your support truly...it means a lot...thank you :)
Dani, I think all the hard stuff you've had to deal with in your life up to this point and managed to overcome has prepared you well for this incredible battle you're fighting right now. It doesn't matter what you call it, you HAVE what you need to get yourself through this. You ARE an amazingly resiliant person. It's okay to be frightened. I think the "nothing" you talk about is really how you cope. When you've had enough of whatever, you shut down to survive. That's a good thing because that way you can take a break from the onslaught. Like Jessica said, you are moving forward. One minute, one second, it doesn't really matter because you're doing it at a pace that you can handle. I believe in you and your strength to finish. That's one attribute you got from your mom. She's a finisher and so are you. I love you.
Aunt Irene
Amen, Aunt Irene. Keep on keepin' on, Danielle. You're making your way...
thank you to both of you...jessica and aunt irene...for your support...it means more than i can really express...i know i keep saying that...but i just keep meaning it!!!
you are much stronger than you think! i am proud of you and morestill, i admire you for the strength you exude on a daily basis. think of you every day. sending good thoughts and positive energy your way. keep on hanging in and know that we are all here to support you! xoxoxoxo
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