...of terror pretty much...i am trying to be so positive...trying to keep that happy face on...and i'm doing it...i really am...i'm owning it...i'm living it...but those waves...those waves of fear roll in like the tides...but less predictable...little things...finding out the time of my surgery...calling a friend who sounded sad...finding an old friend who can't be in my life...little things...they throw me...they make the unyieldingly positive that i am striving for difficult to achieve....
...in an earlier blog i said that i'd be more forgiving of myself should i falter...and while i don't think this is faltering, i need to be more forgiving of myself right now...that i can't think of the perfect thing to say to take away my friend's pain....that i can't handle listening to anyone else's pain right now...that i can't handle the little things...that it's all i can do to stay positive for myself...and i want to be perfectly positive...and that's clearly not happening...for that i need to forgive myself...to accept myself for who and what i am...and who i am is strong...what i am is healthy...
...i am not a perfect person...i am not a perfect friend...i am not a perfect daughter...i am not a perfect sister...i am not a perfect doctor...i am not a perfect person...but in this minute....i am the perfect me...even if it means i'm not perfect...
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Dani, Perfection is a word that perhaps does not belong in this dialogue or any other. Perfection seems to me an ellusive state of imposibility. Who's to say they've achieved perfection? Who's to say what perfection is?How long should they expect it to last? Maybe just saying that you're the best you is kinder. More than anything remember that you're human and don't worry when life makes you feel less than on top, less than in charge, less than in complete control. You're riding this wave so well and Friday's wave is just another wave, granted a BIG one, but not the only one. Remember you're not alone on your board baby.
Love you. Aunt Irene
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