positivity attacks?

or panic attacks?

so here i am...4 pm...in my office, writing reports...and this mother...this ridiculous mother who i thought i was finished with months ago (and happy about that) left me a voicemail after having her kid's teacher call me...she wanted to amend my recommendations...which i hadn't even told her yet!!! so i decide that me calling a difficult mom right now would not go well....so i sent her an email instead (yes i have her email because there was a period of time where she was emailing me every time this kid took a crap!) just saying that i thought her message was a bit premature and that i would be in touch as soon as i knew something...well she emails me back demanding that i write a letter to the school district so that they will fund my recommendations...and she calls me danielle...she is my ONLY patient that calls me that...

...now in a normal day this is nothing...i can wrap that with my eyes closed and my brain shut off... but today...what happened? everything got black, i couldn't get a breath in, and my face when sheet white (or so i hear)....panic attack...hasn't happened in a few weeks...but holy crap did i lose it today...i packed up like five bags of books and computers...and a protractor?!?!?! and got the hell out of my office...not to return till thursday...i put an outgoing voicemail to call carla, i emailed the practice, and got the hell out...still way short of breath and trying not to puke...it was awesome...

...so i went to my sister's and spent time with my niece and nephew (so cute)....and i think by the way i looked when i walked in that she knew i needed something...so she took me to get my eyebrows waxed...something i have been fretting over for days now...no time no time who's got the time!??! it helped...my niece and nephew help...the glass of wine helped...

...so on my way home it started again...tight chest...thoughts of getting in bed...thoughts of the fear...scared to go to bed...last night jason talked me to sleep...i can't ask him to do it again...will i sleep tonight? i know i can't get into my bed...that's for sure...another night on the couch? sign me up if i could just sleep...

....so it's the anxiety dinging me now...but i was being so positive...although i may have shed one tear somewhere between my panic attack and my clonapine...but seriously...i'm so up for this...nerves? maybe what i am calling anxiety is nerves? are they that different? i'm so ready...but i can't handle the little things...the unexpecteds...i hope to coast through these next two days...no bumps in this gravel road...