...i couldn't sleep...not at all...i was up and up and up...not able to get out of my own head...i mean don't get me wrong, i had an awesome time hanging out with matt and my bro...good peeps...but when it was time to settle down to sleep...that's when it hits me...that's when it's so tough...
...i lay there, feeling tina's warmth cuddled up against me and i just feel scared...last night was my last friday night with my boobies...today is my last saturday with my boobies...it'll be a week of last days...and with every thought of the "last" it brings tears to my eyes...it's getting so close...the hospital, the doctors, the hospital...did i mention the hospital? i feel like i just want it to get here...i just want to face this and have it behind me...instead i'm stuck in this holding pattern...circling the airport...nowhere to land (typical philly)...and i'm running out of gas...
...it's nice having friends in LA...they talk to me when i should be sleeping...but who sleeps these days...i don't...and if i perhaps do find a minute of sleep i'm jerked out of it with some kind of thought...of the surgery...of the recovery...of my family...of my friends...and last night...last night i outlasted two LAers...they were able to fade away into sleep before i was...3 am...4 am...5 am...6 am...7 am...8 am...my brother wakes up...finally someone to talk to again...shouldn't there be a hotline for this or something? the i'm terrified of everything in my life and i can't sleep at night hotline? sounds like something some eager psych intern should man...the graveyard shift...when pathetic souls like myself can't sleep and the rest of the world...or at least the rest of the continental united states...can....
...i used to be such a good sleeper...and i used to be strong...i've weathered so many storms...and come out scathed yes, but i've come out of them stronger...and while i know that will ultimately be the same fate of this journey...i truly wish that i was able to walk this path with more grace and less fear...more chin to the sun and less tearful face to the ground...i want to be one of those people who just breezes through and doesn't let it get her...who can withstand anything and glide gracefully through even the most difficult of times...but i am not her...i am not her...i'm just me...sad, lonely, and scared...even though i know i'm not alone...i am...even though i have more support and love in my life than i ever imagined...i'm alone...at least that's how it feels this minute....this morning minute that came after hours of night...
...just the other day i wrote about how mornings are full of hope...how each new day can be a great one "shiny and new"...today that feels like crap...like how could i have had that fleeting hope? how did i hold onto it in those minutes...why can't i find it now...feel it now? why are the tears flowing down my face as i write this? where is that strength you speak of now? this is just too difficult...
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Dani, As the time got closer to delivering Ben, they kept telling me things that I'd have to do, the worst of which was that I'd have to carry him out of the hospital. I remember collapsing in a 9 month pregnant heap on the floor, sobbing. I was not going to do that, no matter what they said.
I only carried that knowledge in my head for about two weeks but it made me sick, angry, sad and feeling hopeless.
Mommom was far away, not like she is now and Webster didn't have a clue what a blog was. I had no one to help me get through to the other side.
I knew I was leaving that hospital empty and there was no way I was abiding by any stupid state law.
I left carrying Ben and then I came home. I just did it and survived.
You just do it. You survive.
I love you so much.
Love, Aunt Irene
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