...and i'm still going strong today...even a bit manic i would say...i just spent half an hour on the phone ranting and raving, coming up with things that made no sense, singing songs i hadn't thought of in years...pacing around my house...all the while tina just staring at me, wondering who the heck this mom of hers is and what in the world she was doing?! my friend probably wondering the same thing...but he's so understanding...just listens to me...sings to me...all good things...we're cut from the same cloth...even though he thinks it's polyester...i mean polyester? me? really? well not actually me...but my mom...she would never have a daughter cut from polyester...though i know that she would love me even if i was....
...anyway...tomorrow is my pre-op...my mom canceled her trip to new york to take me...she's too good to me...and i'm worried that it's just getting started...i'm worried that she'll spend too much energy on me and not take the time to nurture herself...that'd be typical...and this whole thing is so far from typical....mom, i hope you're reading this and i hope you are sure to make the time to nurture yourself through this...i know you may not know how....but i'll help you think of it if you promise to do it...
...so anyway again....tomorrow is my pre-op...makes it pretty real...taking my blood "just in case..."...doing all of the pre-operative things that you do to prepare for the operative part...the operative part...oy...i wrote about being scared of dying...which i am...but it's more than that...i'm scared of the word, operation...scared of the knives...which i know i'll be asleep for...but they'll be there....oh for sure they'll be there....i'm scared of my surgeons sneezing...scared of the anesthesia...scared of how i'll feel when i wake up...scared that i'll still get cancer...scared of everything it seems...but this minute, this minute i'm on a high, manic or not, and i will get through this minute and all of this fear...
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