...till my parents come and we leave for the hospital...
...christopher is here with me...he's actually staying for the surgeries...which i clearly didn't expect...
...so i pretty much have no idea what to do with myself...we're watching a movie, but seriously? attention? right? my executive skills have been in the shitter for days...my house is basically clean except for all of the clothes that are drying in random places...boy do i hope they dry before i leave because i really want to leave a clean house...i never got my car washed...
...i'm packed for the hospital and my parent's except for my toiletries...i need those because i plan on showering around 3:30...i figure give myself an hour...long hot shower, shave, relax a bit...maybe a bath...hmmm....not a bad idea....anyway....get dressed...thundercats t-shirt...do my hair...pack up last minute belongings...run the dishwasher...
...i took off all of my essential jewelry...my mommom's chain, my aunt miriam's pendant, my chamsah, my west coast heart, my rings, jesse's bracket, marc's bracelet, cancer bracelet, mommom's emeralds, mom and bio dad's anniversary diamonds, cartilage hoop..belly button ring...which i'll never get back since they'll be cutting a hole around my belly button...anyway...that was weird...i live in those pieces...but it's more important that i live than i live in those pieces...i packed them up in a little bag with a rock from the western wall that my bubbie gave me...
...so i don't know if theses will be final thoughts...maybe i'll have more to say in a bit...but what i think about is that i can't believe it's here...i can't believe this is real...it's today...zero days left...be at the hospital in five and a half hours...this path i'm walking...i see the light...it's getting brighter...my heart is beating in my stomach...clonapine...pukey...darkness...resolve....i can't believe it's finally here...
...the fear of not waking up knocks...but i know that's not the case...so i don't answer...
...i don't really know what i've learned about myself through this process...except that i have the most amazing friends and family ever....they are unbelievable...the outpouring of love and support has been amazing...
...you know i was talking to christopher tonight, and part of this is the immortality factor...i still have that going for me...i'll never get cancer....but then the numbers set in....85% chance? 90? shit....i'm a numbers lady...not playing the odds so much, but analyzing the data...how do the data fit...what makes sense based on how the data comes back...this data came back a no brainer...and even though i feel like i'll never get caner now...i know i will...i mean i know i would...without this procedure...which is why i haven't second guessed myself yet...and i'm not now...no need...numbers are my thing...this is just a numbers game and i'm going to kick its ass!!!
...i'm stoked...i'm up....i'm ready....four and a half hours till we leave....
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